The Most Important Blog I've Ever Written

So Joe and I hadn't really discussed his surgery much up until tonight. The word "surgery" scares the shit out of me, but deep down I figured it was no big deal. I mean.. it's just an ankle, right? Basically, all I knew is that they were going in his ankle, shortening some ligaments and some other medical stuff that I don't understand. But apparently, it's much bigger than that.. and that's the reason I'm still up at it's 3am.

Joe informed me tonight that they are putting him under. That terrifies me. I was under the impression that he'd get a local anesthetic.. maybe some laughing gas or something. I had no idea they would completely knock him out and put him under, or that he would have his leg open for three hours.

And then it occurred to me that today may have been my last full day with my husband. Sometimes, people don't wake up from that shit. I don't know how common it is or isn't.. and frankly, I don't care. A .01% chance is high enough for me and really threw a lot into perspective. For the past three nights, I've been yelling at Joe to stop snoring.. when I may never hear that snoring again. And maybe we should have spent today doing something special. We didn't.. and I can never get today back. That made me realize that I should treat every day as if it's special.. because it may be the last one we ever get.

So then Joe starts talking about how he doesn't have a living will - which made it all the more real to me that this is really going to happen and it's serious enough that he really should have a living will written out and that something could very well go very wrong. He wouldn't have even made mention of needing one if he didn't think it might be necessary.

And then I thought of Hailey, and watching her play with her daddy and how much I love watching them play and hearing her squeals of laughter.. and how Monday night may be my last chance to ever hear that again. And she loves her daddy SO much and I know he loves her - even if he sometimes has a hard time showing it.

I feel like I have a knife in my heart and someone is just twisting, stabbing and wrenching it repeatedly. I feel sick.. and dinner is in the toilet. I don't know what to think or do. I've never experienced this sort of thing before and will have no time to cope or prepare before Tuesday. I mean, I wish I'd known all of this sooner, although I doubt that would have done any good. How does one prepare for this sort of thing!?

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through Tuesday. I keep playing scenarios through my head and just bawling my eyes out. My mind is racing. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get through a day in a hospital with a near 10 month old and knowing that they are going to put my husband into a sleep he may never wake up from. I'd apologize for being dramatic.. but this is serious shit.

Great.. and now he's mad at me for being upset. Of course I'm upset! Why wouldn't I be upset!? I've never been SO worried about anything in my entire life. I'm afraid of having to wake up without him. I'm afraid of being 22 years old and having to bury my 26 year old husband. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING UPSET!!! Why in the world would I not be? He told me "don't worry about me". Uhh, too late!

And Hailey is having a bad night I guess. She's up for the fourth time. This isn't like her at all. She's so crabby tonight. I let her dance in her bed a while when she got upset. She wore herself out and went back to sleep. But now she's up again and crying. *sigh* I'm sure it could be worse... but I wish she hadn't picked tonight and I wish Joe had told me all of this shit sooner - although I don't know what difference it would have made.

Usually my blogs make me feel better. Not tonight. I'm gonna try to go sleep, although I doubt that's gonna happen. :(

Labels: ankle, ankle surgery, army, dads, family, fathers, Hailey, Joe, kids, Kimi, life, marriage, military, parenting, surgery