The Most Important Blog I've Ever Written

So Joe and I hadn't really discussed his surgery much up until tonight. The word "surgery" scares the shit out of me, but deep down I figured it was no big deal. I mean.. it's just an ankle, right? Basically, all I knew is that they were going in his ankle, shortening some ligaments and some other medical stuff that I don't understand. But apparently, it's much bigger than that.. and that's the reason I'm still up at it's 3am.

Joe informed me tonight that they are putting him under. That terrifies me. I was under the impression that he'd get a local anesthetic.. maybe some laughing gas or something. I had no idea they would completely knock him out and put him under, or that he would have his leg open for three hours.

And then it occurred to me that today may have been my last full day with my husband. Sometimes, people don't wake up from that shit. I don't know how common it is or isn't.. and frankly, I don't care. A .01% chance is high enough for me and really threw a lot into perspective. For the past three nights, I've been yelling at Joe to stop snoring.. when I may never hear that snoring again. And maybe we should have spent today doing something special. We didn't.. and I can never get today back. That made me realize that I should treat every day as if it's special.. because it may be the last one we ever get.

So then Joe starts talking about how he doesn't have a living will - which made it all the more real to me that this is really going to happen and it's serious enough that he really should have a living will written out and that something could very well go very wrong. He wouldn't have even made mention of needing one if he didn't think it might be necessary.

And then I thought of Hailey, and watching her play with her daddy and how much I love watching them play and hearing her squeals of laughter.. and how Monday night may be my last chance to ever hear that again. And she loves her daddy SO much and I know he loves her - even if he sometimes has a hard time showing it.

I feel like I have a knife in my heart and someone is just twisting, stabbing and wrenching it repeatedly. I feel sick.. and dinner is in the toilet. I don't know what to think or do. I've never experienced this sort of thing before and will have no time to cope or prepare before Tuesday. I mean, I wish I'd known all of this sooner, although I doubt that would have done any good. How does one prepare for this sort of thing!?

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through Tuesday. I keep playing scenarios through my head and just bawling my eyes out. My mind is racing. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get through a day in a hospital with a near 10 month old and knowing that they are going to put my husband into a sleep he may never wake up from. I'd apologize for being dramatic.. but this is serious shit.

Great.. and now he's mad at me for being upset. Of course I'm upset! Why wouldn't I be upset!? I've never been SO worried about anything in my entire life. I'm afraid of having to wake up without him. I'm afraid of being 22 years old and having to bury my 26 year old husband. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING UPSET!!! Why in the world would I not be? He told me "don't worry about me". Uhh, too late!

And Hailey is having a bad night I guess. She's up for the fourth time. This isn't like her at all. She's so crabby tonight. I let her dance in her bed a while when she got upset. She wore herself out and went back to sleep. But now she's up again and crying. *sigh* I'm sure it could be worse... but I wish she hadn't picked tonight and I wish Joe had told me all of this shit sooner - although I don't know what difference it would have made.

Usually my blogs make me feel better. Not tonight. I'm gonna try to go sleep, although I doubt that's gonna happen. :(

Labels: ankle, ankle surgery, army, dads, family, fathers, Hailey, Joe, kids, Kimi, life, marriage, military, parenting, surgery

Crutches

My husband was given his crutches today for his surgery next Tuesday. Now, I've never had surgery before (except the eye surgery when I was 2 weeks old) and I've never broken anything before.. but it seemed sort of odd that they give him his crutches a week in advance. I don't know what he's supposed to do with them until then. I assumed they would give them to him in the hospital to go home with.

So I guess now, we have to get a almost 10 month old, my broken husband AND his crutches to the hospital and back. Bleh. I don't think this is going to be a pleasant experience.. although I guess that's why it's surgery and not vacation.

It'll be nice to have him home, but it also made me realize how much more I will have to take on around here since he'll be unable to walk. I don't mind really, it's just that in addition to normal house stuff, I will have to drive him to the doctor and whatnot for a while. He won't really be able to get on the floor to play with the baby or anything. :(

Yeah.. I'm pretty sure that this is going to suck.

Labels: ankle, ankle surgery, army, dads, life, military, surgery

Surgery Date Set

My husband just received a phone call, letting him know of the date for his ankle surgery. It's on September 25th. Wow..I really didn't think it would happen that soon. I've hard had time to mentally prepare for this, and I'm sure my husband is in worse shape.

I don't know why in the world I'm so scared about him getting this surgery. I don't think they are going to put him under or anything like that (but who knows.. I'm no doctor lol). But just the word surgery, scares the heck out of me.

He'll get between 21 and 36 days of compensation leave from work after the surgery. It'll be very nice to have him home, but I'm sure his Commander is going to be none too thrilled. I don't think anyone is real happy with him right now. My husband is classified as overweight - which the Army HATES. And to top that off, he's not allowed to do PT anymore - which pisses them off even more. Now, he'll be off work for quite a while so he can heal and learn to use his foot again. Just wait until he takes a week off for Christmas........oh boy, heads are gonna spin! lol But compensation leave doesn't count against his normal leave.. so oh well.

So, one surgery down and who knows how many to go. Before being medically discharged, they have to "fix" everything they broke (well, sorta.. since he will never be back to 100% and certain things will always be weak).

I hope it goes well and I really hope it takes the pain away for him.

Labels: ankle, army, surgery